5 years

How is it 5 years since my dad has been gone? I could never imagine what 5 years would even look like.

The first year was the hardest. So many emotions and questions. Years went on and the grief hit differently. Sometimes out of the blue, my conscience decides I need to grieve immediately. That’s not always pretty. Then sometimes I feel peace and I can feel my dad’s love. I’ve had many sweet, perfect visions and dreams of my dad. It’s sometimes hard to explain those without sounding sort of crazy, but I do know that our loved ones are closer to this veil of life then we think.

December 24, 2017 was the last time I spoke to my dad. He called me after he talked to his doctor. I found out the doctor told him that if he doesn’t see through with his last dose of hormone shots, his cancer would come back with a vengeance. He cried and went to his room. My mom has never seen him cry like that. Then the day after Christmas he told my mom not to worry about him, that he was fine and happy. Then he took his life within 24 hours of that conversation.

My sister and I lost our dad. My kids lost their grandfather. My mom lost her husband. My dad’s friends lost a great shooting buddy and great friendship.

This season was rough for me. I thought I was ok but again, my conscience did not want the grief to go unnoticed. Having sick kids meant I missed out on the Christmas celebrations. That’s one thing I look forward to every year, being around friends and family we don’t get to see often enough. Christmas dinner. Christmas games. All those things we do every year. I made the best of it, I truly did, but then my body said rest. I slept most of the day yesterday. I had no intention to leave my bed. But I got up, made soup for dinner and put away all the Christmas decorations. I needed to move on from the reminder that it just didn’t feel like Christmas to me. I put together furniture, which is like therapy to me.

Grieve the best you know how and don’t let anybody make you feel bad about it. Mine was staying in bed most of the day. We need to take care of ourselves and understand it’s different for everyone.

Hang in there!



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