Grieving a loss of a loved one is hard. Grieving a loss of a loved one from suicide is even harder. It’s called complicated, compounded grief. It’s a roller coaster of emotions. There’s so many ups and downs. I will be talking about each stage of grief that my family and I are going through.
As I stare at the cursor blinking, waiting for me to write something, I can’t help but feel angry, mad, and bitter about my dad’s passing. Along with these strong feelings, I am mad at myself for not being more compassionate. I need to work through this layer of grief, in order to move on.
I am angry that he left us. It feels like such a betrayal. Without us even knowing if we did enough for him. There was no note or inclination why he would desert us. Were we not good enough for him? Did he not care about me, my sister, my mom, or his grand kids? I often think that a simple note of two simple words would be sufficient. A note that said ‘I’m sorry’. That’s all it would need to say. We would then know we did enough. That we cared enough. But we didn’t get anything. I sound so harsh, so uncompassionate. It’s just one of these awful layers that I have to peel away. I feel like it was such a selfish act. To just give up, not only on himself, but gave up on us. (Oh those were some of the hardest words I have written, and for all the world to read). I know depression took over his rational way of thinking. I have been in that dark place before. It’s really hard to get out of that darkness. So I can understand. That he felt this was the only way to end the suffering. But at the same time, I think about all that he has been through. It seemed like this would be a piece of cake, his suffering he was going through the last couple months, compared with what he’s endured over his 70 years of life. He’s been through so much worse, so I thought. Why couldn’t he have the patience to wait a couple more months, when the hormones would start wearing off and he would feel better? When he could start getting out of the house more, go hiking, go exploring? We all thought this would blow over, just one of dad’s fixations. We just can’t seem to make sense of it all. Will we ever be able to come to terms with it? That he would actually end his life this way? I hope we will. But that day seems so far away. Worlds away.