Grief- I’m still here

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My husband asked me the other day, ‘Why did you quit your blog?’ I told him I definitely didn’t quit. I just don’t know what to write about. I’ve already written about sadness. That’s the stage I am still in. Worse than before it seems.

I am sad that the house my dad loved, and my parents shared for over 10 years, will be going on the market soon to be sold. I will never be able to walk in the house, my dad walking over to greet me. I won’t be able to help my dad change the oil in the car in that garage again. I won’t see his beloved work station in the garage, where he reloaded his bullets while listening to his music. He had a cork board full of gun articles pinned to it, inspirational quotes, and his count down to when he was cancer free! I won’t see that again.

It saddens me that more than half of my kids won’t remember their grandpa. They are too little to remember. The last time we all saw my dad was at Thanksgiving. Remembering when we said our goodbyes, my 2 year ran straight to my dad and gave him a hug around his legs (my dad was very tall, 6’5″!). That was the last goodbye we would all give him. It’s so painful to think about that. I could have hugged him longer. I could have told him how much I loved him. Then I think, my dad won’t be able to show my kids how to use a gun and practice shooting in the desert. He was so patient and kind with everyone he helped.

It’s hard when life goes on, kids grow older, changes are happening, but at times I feel stuck in this period of grief. Like I am on pause while life around me is on fast forward, moving faster than I can keep up with.

The week’s following my dad’s death, my testimony grew. I knew Heavenly Father was comforting my dad, embraced in his loving arms. I was strong. I was able to help my family cope through the confusion and pain. I knew my dad was reunited with his family. Those thoughts are still there. Though I feel the sorrow is stronger now.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27.) This scripture is so important to me. I know my dad is at peace. I do question it at times though. I just want so badly to have confirmation that he is ok. But I do know that God is a fair judge and knows the true intentions of every person. I have to not be afraid.

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