Unanswered questions, and unable to figure out the why, has got to be the most heart wrenching, exhausting way to try and make sense of it all.
My dad read his bible every day. He had it on the table, with his glasses on top of it, before he died. I searched that whole bible through and through, looking for an answer. Got nothing.
I looked at his notes about doctors appointments and what he wanted to try next. I looked over every single word. Got nothing.
I looked through his journals, any piece of handwritten notes. Examining each one. Got nothing.
I’ve talked to my dad’s friends who were in contact with him before he passed. They were all at a loss too.
How can someone so strong and so determined, take his own life? Leave his family?
We, as humans, need to fix things. Find answers to problems. So when there isn’t any answers, life seems to go crazy, desperately searching for that one answer. But maybe I don’t need an answer. Even if he had left a note, telling us why, it still wouldn’t make our grief easier. Or maybe it would? There’s a reason I don’t know the true why. I can speculate, and maybe come up with the closest answer. But what is that going to do? Bring him back? Why waste energy on the why, when I can accept what happened. Get to that point of being ok, not having any answers.
Dreams and the Holy Spirit have given me the knowledge that my dad is happy, free of pain and struggles, and is patiently waiting for us to arrive. Setting up camp, so to speak. THAT is where my mind needs to be when my roller coaster of grief starts to take a hard turn.
I know these unanswered questions will continue to pop up in my life from time to time, and that’s ok. Having the knowledge that my dad is happy, healthy, and with his family, in Heaven, are all the answers I need.