It’s been a little over 3 months since my dad has passed. So many emotions I’ve experienced. Compassion, sadness, anger, shock, distraught, pain, guilt, peace. The list goes on and on. It’s been an absolute roller coaster. I am exhausted. I am done.

The websites I’ve read about grief and losing someone to suicide says that I need to embrace this grief. That it will never truly go away. That I need to accept it and move on. You know what? I don’t want to! I feel like I am having a toddler tantrum, stomping my feet on the ground. I don’t want to embrace this grief and accept it! I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this grief. I never wanted this.

How could my dad not see the consequences of his actions? My parents were married for 49 years. 49! My mom was left without a goodbye. Just left high and dry and have to fend for herself. Figure out how to live by herself without a husband. Now of course my mom wasn’t left high and dry, my sister and I have stepped up to the plate and are helping her through this transition in her life. (My sister has been amazing, by the way, and I am so grateful she can help my mom. It’s tough for me not living in the same city, and not being able to physically help with everything!) How could my dad not see this? We are all left with this burden of grief for the rest of our lives. Not a day goes by without me thinking about my dad, the tragic situation, and the pieces I have to put back together. All while trying to continue to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. It’s hard! It’s hard to say this, but it’s like my dad took the easy way out. Couldn’t stand his side effects, so he decided to end it. What kind of example is that to leave for his family? For his grandchildren? It was only the last 4 months or so of his life where these side effects starting getting worse. 4 months of not being able to deal with life versus the rest of my families’ lives dealing with this awful grief. Where is the love in that?

Now before anyone thinks I am heartless person, know that I still love my dad unconditionally. I am so sorry that he had to endure the pain he did. The mental illness that none of us truly knew how bad it was. I know my dad did the absolute best he could. This grief just brings out so many raw emotions.

I am just frustrated. I am done feeling all these crazy emotions. The clouds over my head are just a little darker these days. There’s still room for light. The light will come soon. I just need to have patient with myself.