A couple steps forward, a few steps back


I have felt quite vulnerable sharing my story. Sharing my raw emotions and imperfections that some may otherwise cringe at. My intent is to help others. The quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf says ‘As we lose ourselves in the service of others, we discover our own lives and our own happiness.’ I completely agree. So the more I share and help others, the happier I will be, right?!

In February, I found out that I am pregnant. I was nervous, having 6 kids already, but super excited. I felt that my dad had hand picked a boy to bless us with. It would bring joy to our family in an otherwise gloomy time. I couldn’t wait to welcome another sweet baby into our family. Our kids were excited!

Fast forward to my appointment last week. The doctor did an ultrasound and found no baby. Everything else was forming except for the baby. An empty sac. A miscarriage was inevitable.

Miscarriage. Suicide. Why are they such taboo subjects? Why don’t people talk about it more? And why did a suicide loss and miscarriage have to happen to me, so close together? Another life lost and more grief and pain.

Our bodies are amazing. The makings of a baby is a miracle in itself. Cells have to divide at the right time. The uterus has to be just right for the egg to attach. So many different things need to be in place at the right time for the baby to grow. So when I found out I would be miscarrying, I was ok. I know sometimes there are chromosomal issues, or other spontaneous events that make it so the baby can’t continue to develop. I had my first miscarriage 3 years ago. It certainly doesn’t make it easier to go through another one, but I understand.

Just because I understand that miscarriages happen, doesn’t mean I have to be happy with it. I am devastated. Some might say, ‘You have 6 beautiful children already, you are still blessed.’ Like I should be ok with this loss. I am blessed beyond measure. But I am heartbroken that this little life couldn’t continue. I had every notion that this would be a boy, and we would name him after my dad. That my dad hand picked him from Heaven and chose him to be apart of our family.

This process has not been easy. Anxiously waiting to miscarry and move on. I am still so devastated by my dad’s tragic ending. I wanted to just be done with this and move on. God didn’t want it to be that easy for me. I started miscarrying and had to go the ER. Extreme bleeding and pain. I am going through what feels like a full term delivery. Why do I have to endure all this physical pain, along with my already fragile emotional state? Can my family just have a break from all of this tragedy? Why do I have to bear another devastating death?

I don’t know why I am not supposed to have this baby. I don’t know why this had to happen 3 months after my dad’s tragic death. I do know Heavenly Father is still here for me and comforting me. He is listening to my prayers. I feel it and know it. Everything happens for a reason and is all part of his divine plan. I don’t have to try and understand why his plan involves all of this pain right now. What I need to do is understand that I am still very blessed. I can use this pain of mine to help others.

My intent with this blog is to break the stigma that suicide has. I also don’t want to stay quiet about miscarriage. It’s ok to talk about it. It can be so very hard to talk about a loss like miscarriage. But if we are more open about it, just like I hope we can be about talking about suicide, then maybe we can all soften our hearts and become more Christlike with one another. Love others when they are grieving. Isn’t life tough already?

We shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. We shouldn’t have to grieve alone. Reach out to someone if you are hurting! Comfort those that need it! 

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