While researching grief stages, one of the first stage is shock and denial. I am here to say, shock is still very much apart of what I am feeling.

I still can’t believe that my dad is gone. Death is so permanent. There is no coming back from that. I think as humans, its hard to grasp that. One minute our loved ones are here, and the next they are gone. Death can be so shocking and scary. But death is apart of our lives. Everyone dies. Some have gone way too soon. Some have lived a long and great life. Some have tragic endings. In the end, we all die eventually. So why is it so traumatic? I think because we are afraid of the unknown. No one truly knows where our souls go after this earthly life. Do we just die and then that’s the end of our life? Do we drift off into another universe? Are we reincarnated into something else? I don’t have the answer to that, and neither does any one else. I do know, from my faith, that we will be reunited with our loved ones again. Regardless of what we believe in the afterlife, we have to have hope. Hope and faith is what will get us through these dark days. Hope that we will meet our loved ones again. Faith will give us courage and strength to continue on.

I still am in shock that my dad took his life. Shocking to think that my mom walked into the bedroom to find him dead. Ice cold. Those are really tough words for me to type. How could he do that to my mom? I keep reliving the conversations of that day. When I got the phone call. Making an 8 hour drive that day with just my baby. Going through the motions of the following days. Watching tv to try and think of something else, but wondering why people are laughing on the tv show. Why are people happy? My dad just died.

I have to accept this new normal. My dad is gone and I have to move on with life. We don’t know what tomorrow brings. We need to try and make the best of our days here on this Earth. Stop thinking, ‘One day we will go there. One day we will do this or that.’ And start doing! Make plans for your life. Set goals and achieve them. Make things happen! If there is a will, there is a way. Cherish your friends and family. Have deep conversations with them. Laugh with them. Make great memories. Enjoy this life that we have!