This is a really hard time of year for my family. Christmas, the day my dad died, and his birthday are all within the same week.
I’ve felt like this roller coaster of grief has settled a bit, slowing down. That’s what it seemed like. However, I think I put my grief and the thoughts of my dad to a place where I don’t think about it. I’ve been so busy with school and life, I just don’t have time to think about it. Today though, is tough.
Memories have come flooding back to me from two years ago, when I got that awful call that no one wants to get. ‘Dad died, he killed himself’. Such ugly, ugly words that no one should ever hear. The absolute loss that I felt that day is indescribable. My heart felt like it was ripped out, and I was left on the ground, struggling to survive. Why dad, did you have to leave us? Why am I still sitting here, trying to pick up the pieces?
I know my dad was suffering. It was easy to see. It was so very hard to see and hear him suffer. I truly tried my best. Two days before he died, I told him he was depressed. I tried telling him that it will be ok. I can’t help to think that I may have said the wrong things. That he left because of me. It hurts.
I need to tell those thoughts to go away. I know my dad did his best, and would never leave us like this. For my mom to find him. He was sick, very sick. He loved us so much. He was the Gentle Giant.
For those that are grieving, especially during this time of year, make time for yourself. Give your soul some rest. Do something that lifts you up.
2 thoughts on “Double Grief December”
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I have to try extra hard during the holidays now, and I don’t stuff it down as much—but I know it will eventually come. So I try to give myself a break and work in some cushion, and I let myself be ready to cry when it comes. Because I don’t know when that will happen but I know it will. And then I keep moving on, until the next time. I am getting better at it, dealing with what feels like Grief Whack-a- Mole during the holidays. Pull out pictures of good times, talk about them, cry about them. It helps you get through.
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