My grandma thought she couldn’t have children. Can you imagine how hard that would be, during a time when most housewives were having children? My grandmother also got divorced during a time that it was completely frowned upon. She met and married my grandfather and had my dad at the age of 38 in the year 1946. She adored him so much. She had another child, my aunt Patrice, 5 years later. Patrice tragically passed away at only 11 years old.

My grandma raised my dad mostly by herself. When my aunt died, it forever devastated the whole family. Grief can do crazy things to people. Some things that we just don’t talk about. My grandmother saved the clothes and things that my aunt was wearing when she passed away. Decades later, I found my aunt’s headband in my grandmothers things. That was my favorite headband and I wore it until it was too small for me. I never knew it was my aunts, the one she wore, until years later. Some think it’s morbid or strange for keeping those things. But grief makes the mind do things out of the ordinary. I kept my dads flannel shirt that he had hung in his closet after wearing it for a day. It smelled just like him. I kept it in my closet for a few years. I recently found a handkerchief of his that he always had with him (clean of course 😅). I understand now why my grandmother couldn’t get rid of some of her daughters things.

I know that my grandma is still watching over my dad. I had a dream just a couple weeks after my dad died about my grandmother and my dad. I am sure I’ve shared it before but it’s worth sharing again.

In my dream, I was with a friend at church standing in the pews. It was an old historical church. I remember the arches and wooden benches. I heard my dad from behind the pews. I looked back quickly, yelling for him. “Dad! Dad! I am right here! Dad!”. He couldn’t see me and was frantically looking for me. No one around me could see my dad, just me. He looked so scared and alone. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t see me, even with my frantic calls for him. Then above us a circle appeared, like a portal. I saw my grandma reach down her arm and called calmly for my dad. She lifted him up and took him home.

My interpretation is this. He didn’t mean to kill himself. He just wanted to end his suffering. His soul didn’t quite understand what happened. But my grandmother was there for him, taking her child back home in her loving arms and guided him to safety. I’d like to think she was his escort to Heaven.

My sister dreamed about our grandma and dad being back together in Heaven, happy and smiling. They were at peace.

I know we have help from the other side of the veil. Our ancestors are watching over us. Waiting for us to come home. I know I will be reunited with all of my family and ancestors when it’s my time.

Grief is hard. Life is hard. Look for the happy moments. Be grateful for the blessings you have. Life is not easy all the time and that’s ok. But each person matters and each person is put on this Earth for a reason and purpose. Hang in there friends. Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs,

Sarah

Here’s what’s tough about this grief journey I got thrown into. I have no answers as to exactly why my dad decided to take his life. I may have clues, but I have no real answers. And that’s something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. That’s something that I will try and solve but I will never be able to finish that equation. There are too many variables and too many unknowns (math geek here).

It’s like I was thrown into a blender with all these mixed emotions and feelings, and I have to try and hold it all together in a neat little package, while the blender (or life) is spinning me along. ‘Your dad would want you to be happy and enjoy your life!’ ‘Enjoy your loved ones before it’s too late!’ All these things that I feel like I am supposed to do and be. I am supposed to be happy and joyful and blessed for this life I have. But can I really feel that way all day, every day? No. Or is that just what I think I should be doing? Maybe I have set this high bar for me to reach, that I should be like this all the time and if I am not, then I am not good enough. Depression and anxiety run in my family. I was diagnosed as a teen and sought help. And have continued to battle these hard illnesses. I am not going to sugarcoat it, but I have very dark days. Days and weeks where I can’t get out of bed. Days where there’s just no energy left in me. Days where I am an exhausted overstimulated mom. Why is that hard to admit? Why do we feel like we have to be perfect all the time? I am not perfect and that’s ok. But sometimes I feel like I am not good enough because I can’t get over these mental challenges on my own. Ugly negative talk I know, but it’s a challenge I have to overcome.

Did my dad not feel good enough? Did he struggle admitting that he suffered from depression? Did he feel like he was a failure because he couldn’t fix it himself? THIS IS WHY I TALK ANOUT MY STRUGGLES. No one should feel alone, or feel like a failure. I want people to have hope. When we share our struggles, we can feel connections with each other and share relatable experiences.

Depression is ugly. It creates a fake idea for me, that if I seek help, then I am a failure. That is further from the truth. There’s people that will help! Depression is a disease of the brain. It’s like any other disease. Some people will say, ‘Just get some self care and you will feel better.’ ‘exercise everyday.’ ‘Eat healthy’. All great things to do. But what if you have no energy to get out of bed? Let alone try and go for a run? It’s a process. And it differs for every person suffering from depression. Just have compassion.

Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs

Sarah

I know life is hard. We all have our struggles. Sometimes those struggles seem never ending, bringing with it hopeless thoughts of the future. Some advice: please stay.

Coming from someone who lost a loved one from suicide, please just stay. We know and see how much you are struggling. We care so much about you. The thought of, ‘oh they would all be better off without me, not having to deal with my issues’ is so not true. We would rather have you here than not ever see you again!

Things I wish I could have told my dad. Deep Depression, along with a body wasting away, did not help my dad. Ugly thoughts crept into his mind. Thoughts that he would never even consider. We all said he would never take his life. He is a God fearing Christian who read his Bible every day.

My dad is missing so many beautiful moments.

He was the most supportive sports dad. Even though I only played soccer in elementary, he was there for every practice and every game. He cheered me on like no other. He was my biggest fan. We got slurpees and donuts after every game. Now that I have kids, I am sad to know that he is missing out on my kids’ sports and other accomplishments they’ve had, big or small. He would have loved to hear about their games and performances.

The last year of his life, he made a point to come see my oldest daughters baptism. even though he wasn’t a member of my church, he knew the importance of this day and wanted to support her.

It just hurts that he chose to leave. He left so many people that cared about him. He is missing out on so much.

I should have done everything in my power to see my dad that last month of December, before he made that awful decision to leave this world.

But I knew he was suffering. I knew he was in such a dark place. Why didn’t I just go see him? But how could I possibly foresee this happening? I would have never thought he could do this. I would come running to him if I would have had a glimpse of the future. Anyone in my place would! But we don’t have those powers. We can’t control people and their decisions.

I feel deep empathy for him and his suffering. He just wanted his pain and suffering to end! How can I be so mad at him for that? I didn’t want him to leave us but I didn’t want him to suffer either. I just wish he could have waited a few more days, when my sister was going to help him. What if he knew something about his health that none of us knew? What if he got bad test results? What if he wanted to end his suffering before it got worse? Was he trying to take the easy way out, to end his suffering, and not endure the worry and sorrow we would have if he stayed?

Can you see all of the conflicting thoughts? I am sure he had all these overwhelming thoughts too.

THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF THIS LIFE! We just have to endure. We have to make the best of it. We have to love our people now before it’s too late. There’s so many things I wanted to tell my dad. I just thought I had more time.

Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating the same things in this grief journey. But these things continue to come to the surface. My hope, in any of these writings I share, is to provide something that may be relatable to someone else. I didn’t have anyone to turn to that can relate to my pain that’s been down this lonely road before. We don’t have to suffer alone. Nor should we!

I do know that God has a plan. Sometimes that plan makes me angry and other times I feel super blessed. But if this life was supposed to be butterflies and rainbows, why would we be here? An easy happy life 100% of the time sounds more like Heaven to me. So I will continue to ride the waves, doing the best I can, until I get to Heaven and run into my Dad’s arms.

Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs,

Sarah

What if we show love to ourselves first? What if we are kind to ourself and our minds? Then maybe we can be kind to others.

Life is so dang hard. So why are we so hard on ourselves? Be nice to your inner self. Stop giving yourself negative self talk. The things you tell yourself, would you say those same things to your daughter, son, best friend, spouse? Think about that.

Change isn’t easy. It takes time and lots of practice. But what if we all truly were nicer to ourselves. I think we would in turn be nicer to everyone else.

Think about bullies. They love to take advantage of people, manipulate, lie, cheat, and steal. I can honestly bet that they all have such low self esteem.

If we show compassion to ourselves, we will be able to show compassion for each other.

Stop comparing yourself to others. There’s only ONE you, so take care of yourself! You know yourself better than anyone else.

Have you made mistakes? Me too! We all have. Have you made some really bad, hard mistakes? Did you do something that was your fault? Repent! Own up to your actions. I find courage in those that can admit their wrong doing and then try to change for the better. It’s ok to ask for help.

My opinion on suicide and self esteem is this: I am sure that everyone who has battled with suicidal thoughts or has left this world by suicide, their self esteem was low. They felt they weren’t good enough and not worth saving. That is so far from the truth. BUT the person has to believe in themselves! We can all try our best to help others but they have to believe in themselves first.

But I get it. When you are depressed, it’s so hard to think positive thoughts about yourself! Depression is so consuming and so hard to get out of. Get yourself help! Use medications if you need to. It’s a great tool that can help you out of depression.

So when I say Just. Be. Kind., be kind to yourself too!

Hugs,

Sarah

I just miss you being here. I miss you being a call away. I miss you being able to listen to my complaints, never being impatient with me. I miss the bond we had. I miss the comforting way I could talk to you about things. I miss hearing you talk about what it was like growing up. I even miss you talking about your shooting competitions even though that may have taken some patience on my part to listen 😁.

I. Just. Miss. You.

I couldn’t talk to mom about things. I always came to you first. You were the first one I called to announce anything. My many pregnancies, the latter ones where you would chuckle, ‘again? You know what causes that?!’. You were adamant about getting an engraved baby cup for my kids. I remember calling to tell you I made the decision to be baptized as an official member of my church. I was so nervous, I waited to make that phone call. You said, ‘I will support you in anything that brings you closer to God.’ What a sweet relief. I needed my dad’s blessing to go on with the baptism, even if I was 25 and not a kid anymore. And then you made it a priority to be here for my oldest’s baptism. Even though mom didn’t see the importance in it. Remember when you first baptized me in the pool? I am grateful for you and the seed of faith you engraved in me since I was little.

I was only 34 when you died. Much too young to lose a father. I wish you knew how much I still needed you. We all needed you.

I. Just. Need. My. Dad.

Grief isn’t peace most of the time. Grief is a battle of feeling highs and lows. But mostly lows. And then sometimes nothing at all.

I don’t have a parent to talk to about things. It’s hard. It’s lonely. It feels empty.

Don’t wait for life to be almost over to enjoy it. Make those plans. Start the hobbies now. Enjoy life now!

And as always, Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs

Sarah

My dad had this little prayer on many notepads and bookmarks. He truly tried to live this way.

I can’t change what happened. I can’t change the fact that my dad took his own life. Like the prayer says, I need to accept the things I can’t change. I have to accept that he’s gone and he’s not coming back. But I know I will see him again. I know he is watching over me and my family. My daughter feels him when she sees butterflies flying by. I feel him when I listen to the music he loved. I feel him when I am in nature.

Acceptance is HARD. It’s hard to accept death. No matter how it happens. But it’s also hard to accept any endings in life. Lately for me it’s been hard to accept a friendship ending. A friend that I truly cared about. My kindness was taken for granted. My struggle is not new in my family. My dad’s kindness was taken granted for many times in his life. A good friend of his took advantage of his friendship and kindness. My dad’s brother even took advantage of him. My dad kept giving him money when he asked for it. Finally, my dad sent a letter saying that he wouldn’t send him money anymore but still loves him. He never heard from him again. So I know how he felt. It makes you feel worthless, if I am being totally honest.

I miss my dad so much. I miss seeing his kindness in action. Growing up, we always bought gifts for a giving tree. I watched him give homeless people food. I watched him go out of his way to thank service members. My sister remembers going with my dad to deliver thanksgiving meals to the needy. He really loved people without restrictions. He didn’t care what color, religion, or hard background people had. He just cared about people like Jesus would.

I hope I can live up to his name. My dad, Stephen Bruska, was the gentle giant. One of the best friends you could have. He was selfless and served others when he could. Yes he had his faults like we all do. But anyone that knew him, knew what a great person he was.

Love you daddy! I miss the memories I had with you. Remember when you would take me everywhere as your little buddy? You would stick your hand out and I would wrap my tiny hand around your large pinky finger.

Know you aren’t alone in struggles in life. Instagram influencers are liars if they say their life is perfect. I like to say my life is imperfectly perfect. I have my struggles. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. We all struggle with something. So in this world, if you want to help, Just. Be. Kind. That’s the best start ❤️

Hugs,

Sarah

Are our loved ones ok? Will we see them again?

It can be tough for the human brain comprehend life after death. We have no tangible answers. We don’t know for sure what happens after we die. I do know if we seek answers from God or higher power, we will get confirmation that we will see our loved ones again.

There’s always doubt. Maybe it isn’t true. Maybe that’s the end of our life. But I’ve gotten so many personal answers that we will live on after death. My personal experiences won’t confirm everyone else’s questions. But if you ask for answers, you will receive them if you keep your heart open and listen to the spirit.

I miss my dad. It seems like yesterday but it also seems like decades ago that he passed. I sometimes wish my sister and I didn’t have a big age gap. I wish my parents were younger when they had me. Maybe then my kids would have had more time with him. But those are all things I can’t change. I can’t dwell on that.

I had a dream about him the night before Father’s Day. I was in a crowded place. I could see him, his spirit, watching over everyone. Almost like he is everyone’s guardian angels. Only I could see him and he looked so good and healthy. And most important, he was happy. He loved helping people. Now he’s doing the things he couldn’t always do in his earthly life.

One thing that I am scared of in this life is death. I am scared of my kids dying or me leaving them too early. But I have to have faith that everything is in His timing and my Dad is watching over my family and I. In one of my previous dreams, he said he is always right by me. That brings me peace knowing he hasn’t ever gone away.

Hugs.

Sarah

What if my dad heard a little piece of great advice, would that have prevented his suicide? What If questions can sure spiral out of control during the grief process, always analyzing different scenarios that could have happened with my dad.

I was watching a show the other day where a doctor sits down with celebrities and other high profile people discussing their health obstacles in life. During the interviews, 2 different people had battled with suicide. But in that moment of wanting to end it, someone stopped them. In one case, the person was ready to just end it. His mental health issue had just gone public and he was so shameful about it. He thought his career and life was over. While in his suicidal thoughts, trying to make a run for it out of the public eye, someone recognized him and thanked him for being open about his struggle. This stranger had the same mental health issue and struggled the same with it. In that moment, this celebrity had a life altering change of outlook in life. He realized he didn’t struggle alone. That many people struggled with the same disease he had. That helped him to move on and use his struggles to help others.

What if my dad was more open about his struggles? Some of his friends had no idea he was mentally struggling. Most were in complete shock. They knew he had health issues but didn’t know how it deeply affected him.

What if someone, either a stranger, family member, or friend, said the right thing and my dad changed his negative thoughts around? I feel guilt that I didn’t say the right things. I wanted to be the one that helped him out of his grief. But I couldn’t.

There’s a couple of hypocritical thoughts I have going on.

First and main thoughts are this: what if our simple connections with others could help save their life? A simple conversation, asking that person how they are doing and truly listening? What about reaching out to those that have a physical ailment, being a life long disease, cancer, etc. Anyone going through physical ailments ALL have mental issues associated with it. Most issues like depression and suicidal thoughts. It is not easy to keep going when your body is failing you and your brain is struggling to find a positive way out. Reach out to people. Even if it’s a simple text. You might even save someone’s life without even knowing it. Reach out to our aging generation. They are so lonely. They too are going through hardships. There body can’t move around like it used to. But their minds are still strong. I called a good friend of mine yesterday. She is 87! Her brain is sharper than mine! She was so very grateful that I thought of her.

Now to my hypocritical thought about my dad. What if this was the way it was supposed to end? That no good thought or no good deed to try and save him was going to help? I’ve had this thought since he passed away. I’ve felt that it was his time, regardless of how his life ended. What if I had to go through this grief struggle to help others? Or help myself? Still, I believe wholeheartedly that we still need to try and help. We still need to help others who are struggling. Why wouldn’t we? I feel like that’s just the humane thing to do. I would hope someone was thinking about me when my life was shattering around me. The joy we get in helping others is like no other. It lifts my spirits knowing I can help someone.

So come what may, but keep trying to help others, and you in turn will help yourself.

Hugs,

Sarah

I think there’s a fine line, between Earth and Heaven, where our ancestors wait for us. Sometimes that veil opens a bit, for our ancestors to communicate to us.

I had a dream about my dad. It’s been such a long time since I dreamed of seeing him. In this dream, he appeared, and I knew I only had a little bit of time to give him a big hug and tell him I loved him, as my past dreams went. So I quickly made sure I was able to see him. He then told me there’s someone on Earth that watches over me. Almost like my dad’s chosen person to watch over me when he can’t. I knew he was going to leave my dream soon, so I asked with urgency who it was. ‘Dad, who is it? Who’s helping me?’ I had all these questions but knew there wasn’t enough time. He said, with a loving, patient smile, ‘I can’t tell you who it is. You don’t have the complete, or perfect, knowledge.’ My interpretation comes from my church. We are sent here, oblivious to the fact that we chose to come to Earth to complete our eternal mission. We don’t have that complete knowledge of God’s plan until after we pass through the veil to the other side: Heaven. We will then have all of our questions answered like, why were we here? Why did we have a mortal body and experience pain and happiness? If we had all of that information, and the full knowledge of the Lord’s plan, then what’s the point of being here? We only get to experience this Earthly life once. There’s things we just can’t know so that we can experience this earthly life on our own, making our own choices and decisions.

My dad has the full knowledge now. He knows why we had to go through this hard, earthly life. I feel like there’s many life lines and connections to all of us. Almost like invisible tethers that are connected to us from many souls in Heaven. Millions of small openings in the veil that help filter through help from the other side.

We don’t know exactly why we have to go through hard things. But we do have our Savior who went through pain for us. We have our guardian angels watching over us and with us even if we don’t feel them. They are there, always.

Just be kind. Everyone has their own faith and their own explanation. Mine might be different than yours. But we are are still worthy in God’s eyes for the many blessings he has for us.

Hugs,

Sarah

It’s like my grief came back full circle. I reverted back to the first days and weeks after my dad died. I have felt all the emotions this last weekend.

Who (tries) to keep it together while portraying that everything is fine? 🙋🏼‍♀️ Who hides the grief so that they feel no one has to go out of their way to help? 🙋🏼‍♀️ Who wishes they don’t have to deal with this awful, annoying, frustrating, exhausting grief? 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

We were raised (in my generation at least) to hide feelings, and not reach out for help. If we ask for help, or talk about our struggles, we come off as whiny, and not strong enough. Changing those imbedded unhealthy coping skills is hard.

I don’t write about my struggles for sympathy. Actually, it’s hard to write about it at times, because I don’t want anyone to pity me. But I know I am being petty thinking that.

Saturday morning I felt that a grief tornado was coming. I thought I could hold it off, change the direction of the storm, by keeping busy. As we all know, when a storm comes into our lives, it does not leave until it touches down and does some damage.

I was working on my room, taking apart my bed. I was getting frustrated that I couldn’t take it apart. That’s when the tornado of grief touched down and the flood gates opened, so to speak. I absolutely, with all my might, could not stop crying.

Thoughts started running through my head. Thunderstorms of grief came clapping down like the noise of angry thunder. Just pounding in my head, the thoughts of, ‘why did you leave me? I am SO MAD at you!’ I may have used a hammer and laid into my bed frame. I was so angry that he left me! Was I not good enough? I laid on the ground just crying. My sweet boy who was helping me ran to get his daddy because he knew something was wrong. My husband came in and I couldn’t even explain what was wrong, in between my sobs. Then I was so mad that I couldn’t stop crying! I can be a tad stubborn too.

I propped myself up, tried to quiet the loud thunder in my head, and wrote what was on my mind. ‘Why? Why did you go? I mean I know you struggled. I wanted to help. I wanted my love to be good enough. Good enough to get you out of your funk. I wanted to be enough for you daddy. You taught me how to me a woman in a man’s world. You were so upset when I was harassed at a job site because I am a woman. Like I wasn’t good enough or smart enough to do engineering. Or construction jobs. You stuck up for me. So why wasn’t I good enough for you now? Why was my love for you not good enough that you had to leave? We still had so much time left. Time to talk about life. To tell you about all the things that I am doing, hoping you’d be proud of me. You never said I couldn’t do it, like mom did. You always rooted for me.’

I related to my dad. He was the one I talked to about life. He ALWAYS rooted for me no matter what. Once I told him I wanted to be a mechanic. His friend told me I wouldn’t last, but my dad didn’t. He really taught me how to be a woman in a man’s world. I went into mechanical engineering after high school. I was 1 of 5 girls in a class of 150 students. It was intimidating. But my dad had faith in me. He was proud of me.

So why did he leave? Was he not proud of me anymore? I so badly just want to call him and talk to him. Tell him I’ve been watching the civil war videos he used to watch on repeat when I was a kid. He even played the soundtrack in the truck whenever we had errands to run. Oh how annoying it was back then! He would just chuckle, knowing how many eye rolls I gave him and how many times I would say, ‘not again! We just watched this!’. I would give anything to watch those videos with him again.

Grief makes me angry. So angry. And it can be so very lonely. My family doesn’t understand what I am truly going through. No one truly knows the deep relationship my dad and I had. I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have my dad and it’s literally heartbreaking.

My eyes are swollen and my brain has been in a fog since this last weekend. But I can feel the storm lifting a little. There’s some light peaking through the storm clouds.

I share all of this vulnerable, dark side of grief because I don’t want anyone to feel alone. That popular quote we so often see, fits in well here: ‘Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

It’s so true. Be kind. When you see someone who’s a little rough around the edges, be kind. Or a mother out with her loud kids, be kind. And a senior citizen who looks lonely, be kind. We don’t know everyone’s story, but I can tell you most have a complicated one.

Just. Be. Kind. ❤️

Hugs,

Sarah