At dinner yesterday, my 8 year old asked how my dad died. I was silent for awhile. Debating on if I should tell her or not. Is she old enough to know? How would her heart take it? I decided not to tell her the truth. I told her part of the truth. “He had cancer.” And she left it at that. She is a sweet soul and I didn’t feel she was ready to hear the whole truth. Yes, my dad had cancer. Yes, the treatments contributed to his ailing body and mind.

I love family history. There’s many holes in my own family so I have researched many documents including death certificates. They all helped me find clues to missing pieces of my family’s history. What if future generations do the same? What will they think when they stumble upon my dad’s death certificate? Where they will find ‘gunshot wound to the head’. ‘Suicide’. Those words that seem like they are written in bold, large words on the page.

What will they think? Will it still be taboo years, decades from now? I wish there could be a comment section in the death certificate where I would write this: “He tried everything he could to get better. Side effects from treatments were unbearable. He couldn’t sleep, eat, or rest. He was done, mentally, physically, and spiritually.”

My dad had a tender soul. Outwardly, he seemed gruff, quiet, awkward at times. But gosh, if you really knew him, he had a very kind heart. He trusted easily. Too easily and got taken advantage of many times, even from his own family at times. As I reflect on him, and me as a person, we are very alike. I trust easily. I believe everyone’s intentions are pure. But they aren’t always like that. I now have a very, very small circle of who I completely trust and can depend on for anything. I can count on one hand. Despite trials and heartache, I still see the good in people. That’s just who I am. I can’t change that. So I still see the good in those that have hurt me. I feel for those that are going through trials, even if they created it themselves. Is that forgiveness? Is that what Jesus feels when looking after His children? He still sees the good. He knows their heart. But He set boundaries too. And so do I.

I had a dream of my dad last night. It was so vivid and the emotions I felt were so strong. I was at a museum and it was like I zoned out and then saw a vision of him and my mom. They were on a date for their anniversary. My sister was at the museum too and I instantly went to find her. I was overcome with emotions, crying hard. I was so excited to tell her that I saw dad! I probably cried in my sleep, since I woke up with puffy eyes.

I am grateful for all the little signs I see and feel of him. Dragonflies fly by me randomly at work, bright orange and red birds appear in our backyard. Songs will come on that remind me of him.

I sure wish he was still here. I miss him and wish I could call him and talk like we used to. I know he’s looking over us though.

Hugs,

Sarah