I wish you and mom didn’t wait so long to have me. Sissy and I would have been closer in age and built in besties (we are now though❤️). I would have had more time with you. You could have seen your grandkids grow! They would have had more time with you.

Sydnee is doing track and loves it! Just like you did in high school!

Zoe’s got an independent spirit and teen stubbornness like I had when I was that age. she’s fierce and knows what she wants. All good qualities to stick up for herself. You can see myself in her when I was that age.

Deacon is funny and such a hard worker. He would help with whatever you needed! And he loves hiking and practicing shooting, just like you.

Daxon is always wanting to help and be involved. He would help you when you are working on cars and would have absolutely loved reloading bullets with you.

Emmy is our fierce Tom girl, excelling in all sports with a fierce attitude to go with it! She would have loved going places with you, going shooting, working on cars, all the things you did with me when I was that age.

Junie would give you hugs. She has a sixth sense, knowing when someone is sad. She would constantly tell you she loves you.

Odin loves to tell mom he loves her anytime she comes over and sit on her lap and talk with her. He would have loved you just as much!

You taught me to take no crap from anyone. Kick them if I had to. Which I did in elementary school, and you were so proud of me for kicking a boy who was trying to grab me at recess. You taught me to be independent and strong. You taught me that I could do whatever I wanted to, even in a male dominated career. Remember when we worked together for a short time? You worked in the field and I worked in the engineering room. It was my favorite when you would stop in and visit. You were meant to be a girl dad but you would have really cherished your grandsons.

But we can’t change our lives or the paths we were given. They say siblings are parented differently, even with the same parents. You were older when I was born. You did things with me you wished you would have done with Sissy. You didn’t have to work nights or lots of overtime when I was around, like you did when Sissy was growing up. you had more time with me.

What hurts me so much is that you and sissy didn’t have the same relationship as you and I did. We all love in our own ways. And I know it was so very hard for you to show your love. Your dad was an alcoholic and abuser who made no time for you and eventually left you, your sister, and your mom. You didn’t see him much. Your sister died tragically, and no one was the same after that. So much sadness and grief. You tried to help yourself. You read self help books, you had your own bible study. But earthly vices sometimes overpowered the good at times. You had lots of anger that you never worked out. You served in Vietnam. I know you saw things, hard things.

I wish you knew that you were good enough. That we were all there for you no matter what. You could have confided in me with what you were going through. I would have done anything within my power to help you. Though I could see it. I could hear it in your voice. The struggles you were having and the depression you were feeling. My regret is that I could have done more. And I would have done more if I knew what was going to happen. Anyone would have done more. But we all have our choices. I did the best I could, talking with you, sending you care packages, offering a listening ear. And that was enough. And I think you appreciated it. But the decision was yours that fateful night. I know how much pain you were in and the suffering you were going through.

I know you instantly regretted that decision you made, to leave this life and escape the pain, mentally and physically. Remember when you came to me in a dream about a month after? I was sitting in the pews in the back of a church and you came in the back, frantically trying to find me. Only I could see you. I was screaming for you, “Dad, Dad! I am right here!” You looked so scared and afraid. You couldn’t see me or find me. Your eyes were frantic, almost like you couldn’t hear me yelling for you but couldn’t come to me even though you wanted to so badly. Then I witnessed a sort of portal open up above us. Your mom peaked out, extending her arm down to you. You reached for her and she pulled you up through the portal, bringing you with her. She had this sort of peace and love surrounding her. I think you were lost and scared after you died. Your soul was in turmoil. Not realizing what you actually did. Grandma was there to guide you to Heaven. And I can only imagine that great reunion you had with her.

I miss you. ❤️

Hugs,

Sarah