Those stripes represent a different life.

This picture was the day before my life changed forever. I expected to keep painting the next day but that never happened. Instead, I was awoken in the early morning of December 27th hearing that my dad passed away. I already knew how it happened. I knew in my heart. But these trivial stripes that I painted that day, will always remind me of my old self, my old life, before grief hit. For months after, those stripes reminded me of losing my dad. Those stripes reminded me of a happier time. I was in a good place mentally and physically. I would always remember them as the day before the worst day of my life. I never did finish painting stripes on the rest of the hallways, even 7 years later.

I think it’s time to start afresh and paint something completely different. Start anew. The stripes will be covered with different paint. The stripes will still be there, just like my grief, but my hope is that with new paint, the focus changes.

Underneath my tough exterior, the stripes of grief will always be there. Layers will crumble and those grief stripes may show. But I am learning to add new ‘paint’ every now and then. I am adding boundaries, finding little things that make me happy, and spending more time with family.

I never ever thought my dad could do this. Was he crying? What were his last thoughts? He was so alone in those last moments, and that breaks my heart.

Christmas season is never the easiest for me, but I try my best to enjoy the holidays through my kids eyes. That’s where the magic is.

Hugs,

Sarah