Please tell your kids how proud you are of them. Even if your kids are older and have kids of their own. We are a product of a mother and father. Children are engrained to seek acceptance from their parents. We want them to be proud of us, and that feeling never goes away no matter how old we are.

I was 34 when my dad died. Was he proud of me? I was in the thick of raising young kids. I wasn’t thinking about me or what I was doing in life. A shift began to happen after my dad died. I started focusing on ME. A few months after my dad passed away, I went back to school to get my teaching degree. Within the last couple of years, my husband and I started our own pizza trailer business. I started focusing on myself more. Still having the focus of my family in the forefront, I did those things to better ME because of THEM. Do I make my kids proud? Did I tell my dad how proud I was of him?

I used to work at the same company as my dad. I worked in the office as a contractor employee, working in the engineering department. My dad worked in the field. He would come and see me anytime he could. He dropped my name to anyone in the company who was listening. He was so proud. And I was so proud of him. I loved seeing him when he’d stop by my cubicle and chat for a few minutes. I applied for a permanent position in the department. I didn’t get the job. My dad was so mad. He knew I should have gotten the job! However, I knew I wouldn’t get it and that was ok. There was another contracted worker who had been there way longer than me. He deserved the job. My dad had so much faith in me. He was a ‘man’s man’ but he knew that I was just as worthy (if not more) to hold a position in engineering/construction that is mostly male dominated. He rooted for me. He was so upset when I had coworkers telling me ( at one of my engineering jobs) that I shouldn’t be working there because it’s no place for a woman. He was upset when I got demoted, not for my work performance, but because ‘in my condition’ of being pregnant, and a woman no less, I was better suited to do paperwork. He couldn’t believe these so called men would treat me like this. (Yes I got a lawyer and yes these men were reported).

That was over 15 years ago. But why is this still happening?

I’ve lost respect for many people as I’ve gotten older. I feel like an idiot though. I naively believe people are inherently good. I think they really care for what I have to say. I think that they truly care for all people. Then I find out how wrong that really is and I feel dumb for believing them. It’s like I realize the scam they are creating.

I know my dad dealt with these same problems. He really did love everyone no matter where they fell on the social and work ladder. He had a coworker that he was good friends with who got a promotion into management. He stopped talking to my dad because being in management, he supposedly couldn’t have friendships outside of work with anyone lower than him. That hurt my dad, even if he didn’t show it. His feelings came out in anger and impatience, but I know he was deeply hurt. He didn’t want others to feel they are less than or aren’t worthy enough. I guess he’s passed that torch to me, I have the same outlook in life. It sure is hard though! Wanting to stop caring because that means getting hurt but can’t because that’s who I am! I wish I could talk to my dad and ask him how he dealt with these issues. I feel like I had a way with him to open up and talk about things.

I just wish more than anything, that if I could go back in time, I would have told him how important he is to me in my life.

My dad’s father walked out of his life when he was young. His dad later disowned him when he didn’t make a career in the Navy. He lived in the same state where I was born and never came to visit me, let alone see his other grandchild, my sister. His other son, my dad’s half brother, never saw him either. All of my grandfather’s children were left with a father wound that they all tried to manage throughout their life.

Now I am left with a father wound. My dad left me too, just like his dad left him. I pause to let that sink in.

The difference is, my dad loved me and I knew it and felt it. I know he loved his family so much and he had so many struggles at the end. Yes he left us, but he didn’t abandon us like his father did to him.

I am not mad at him. I understand his pain and struggles. I just he was still here.

Thanksgiving has been really hard for our family. That was the one holiday that we all got together and it was my sister’s favorite holiday. After my dad passed away, Thanksgiving was more depressing than anything. We had to change it up over the years. We spent a lot of years apart on that holiday, and some years together but did things differently. One year we had spaghetti. Doing something different was a way of taking our minds off of missing our dad.

But this year our family finally all met together for thanksgiving and had our traditional turkey dinner. It was so nice to all be together. It was like my dad was still there with us. We went to the zoo, like we always did together, this time with my mom joining us. My dad always went with us, while my mom stayed at home and helped cook dinner. This time she was there and it was like my dad was there too.

Life is hard without my dad, but there’s also a sense of peace too. Maybe acceptance. It’s a hard feeling to describe. I know my dad is watching over us and I know he is happy and free of pain. Knowing that helps me to let some of this grief go. I hope I am able to hold on to that peace so that I can keep the ugly side of grief away.

Hugs,

Sarah