My dad made the most selfish decision he could make, that had a lasting effect on his children, grandchildren, and generations to come. He chose to take his life. I don’t think he realized how selfish it was until it was too late.

How could he not see that we would be completely devastated by his selfish decision? I cringe when I hear people joke about them wanting to shoot themselves. My kids have witnessed some of these comments where something so innocent is actually traumatizing. Please don’t joke and say you want to kill yourself. You have no idea what that aftermath is like. I know it can be an innocent comment, but to others it’s not. I’ve said things like that before my dad passed. Naive to what it really means.

I am very torn. I am mad because he was so selfish to think this wouldn’t hurt us. Leaving everlasting consequences that WE have to suffer through for the rest of our lives.

But I also know that he was suffering. He just wanted the pain and suffering to end. But why didn’t he talk to us more about it? Open up? We would have done anything to help him. We were helping him.

It’s just so hard sometimes knowing he’s gone and knowing he did it to himself. Maybe he could have still been here if he didn’t make that awful decision. Maybe he could have seen my kids excel in sports or take them out shooting. It could have gotten better. And it hurts like no other that he chose to take his life instead. Instead of seeing his grandchildren grow. Or seeing the progress I’ve made in my life.

Maybe he did know already that we were going to be ok. Maybe he trusted my sister, mom, and I that we would be there for our kids. Maybe he knew that we were in good hands already. I know he was proud of us. He didn’t really show it. But I know he was. The way he talked to his friends about us. Maybe he felt it was ok to leave this life, knowing he did the best he could to survive. And I have to commend him for that.

I found out recently that my dad’s half sister, my aunt, passed away last year. I searched her family out and received the news. It was devastating at first to hear but she lived a long good life. She loved her kids and grandchildren so much. She taught me how to cross stitch. Her smile was contagious. She had been through some awful trauma in her youth and said in a letter to my dad years ago that her baby brother Stephen was the light of her life. He brought brightness into her life when her life was very dark. His slobbery kisses and big hugs and joyful smile brought her so much joy. (She was a teen when my dad was born).

They are both rid of their lasting trauma that they dealt with in their lives. I can just picture them smiling, laughing, and having the best time being reunited.

Gosh I miss them both! They were so brave when things got bad in their lives. I’ve been through my own devastating trauma decades ago that has come to light again. Trauma is a funny thing. It comes back in the middle of nowhere. When I least expect it, memories of what happened just flash before my eyes. I have to relive what happened and it’s not pretty. I became a shaking awful mess. Full blown panic attack. That’s about as much as I will say because this trauma is nothing that I want to talk about (in therapy yes). I don’t ever want to relive it ever again. But I wish my aunt was here, and my dad, to ask how they got over their hard times in their lives. I just want to hug them and tell them how brave they are. And maybe that’s what I want to tell myself. That I am brave. I am worth it, and I matter.

I feel like everything I’ve gone through in my life, all the devastating awful things, is to truly help others. To those quiet kids in school, you matter! To the children with dysfunctional families that are told they will never amount to anything, that’s wrong! You matter! To anyone and everyone: YOU MATTER! It doesn’t matter your status or color or religion or any of that stuff. Everyone matters. Just. Be. Kind. ❤️

Hugs,

Sarah