Yesterday marks 6 years since my dad died. Some years are ok and some years the anniversary stings.

I woke up in a panic at 4am yesterday morning. A sense of doom washed over me. Was one of my family members sick? Did someone die? Instantly my mind replayed that early morning 6 years ago. the early morning call telling me my dad died. That sense of deep hurt and sorrow. I was thinking how I was already on the road at 4am 6 years ago with my baby in tow, rushing to get to my family 8 hours away. That’s why I woke up in despair. My mind was replaying everything from that awful day 6 years ago.

I feel like I always have to write this, for anyone that actually reads this 😅: this is not me looking for pity. I write as a journal and for others to read it that may be struggling with the same things I am. That go through a traumatic loss. There’s lots of shame, guilt, sorrow and pain that goes along with it all. It’s not pretty or easy. It’s especially not easy to share my vulnerabilities to the internet world, but I feel I need to so I can help people.

I am an avid reader and currently I am reading an autobiography called, ‘The Hiding Place’ by Corrie Ten Boon. In it she states, “Today I know that such memories are the key not to the past but to the future. I know that the experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do.”

Maybe that is the work I am supposed to do. To use my experiences to help others. I know that everything I’ve been through, mistakes I made, traumas I’ve faced, has me right where God wants me. The trauma of my dad’s passing was not the first traumatizing event I’ve experienced. Situations in my childhood, teen, and early adult life has had its traumatic events. Some things I just don’t feel comfortable talking about and that’s ok. But these traumas has made me who I am. I am more compassionate, less judgmental, and feel for the outsiders. I want everyone to feel loved and included. Why? Because I know what it’s like to be bullied, judged, left out, unloved, and unheard. I see the good in everyone. I am learning more and more, this year especially, to set boundaries. Even though I see the good in people, I sometimes don’t see the red flags along the way. Not everyone wants help or has the same intentions as me. Boundaries are key! Speaking up for yourself is essential!

We shouldn’t have to struggle alone. Hang in there friends! Just. Be. Kind. ❤️

Hugs,

Sarah