Here’s what’s tough about this grief journey I got thrown into. I have no answers as to exactly why my dad decided to take his life. I may have clues, but I have no real answers. And that’s something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. That’s something that I will try and solve but I will never be able to finish that equation. There are too many variables and too many unknowns (math geek here).

It’s like I was thrown into a blender with all these mixed emotions and feelings, and I have to try and hold it all together in a neat little package, while the blender (or life) is spinning me along. ‘Your dad would want you to be happy and enjoy your life!’ ‘Enjoy your loved ones before it’s too late!’ All these things that I feel like I am supposed to do and be. I am supposed to be happy and joyful and blessed for this life I have. But can I really feel that way all day, every day? No. Or is that just what I think I should be doing? Maybe I have set this high bar for me to reach, that I should be like this all the time and if I am not, then I am not good enough. Depression and anxiety run in my family. I was diagnosed as a teen and sought help. And have continued to battle these hard illnesses. I am not going to sugarcoat it, but I have very dark days. Days and weeks where I can’t get out of bed. Days where there’s just no energy left in me. Days where I am an exhausted overstimulated mom. Why is that hard to admit? Why do we feel like we have to be perfect all the time? I am not perfect and that’s ok. But sometimes I feel like I am not good enough because I can’t get over these mental challenges on my own. Ugly negative talk I know, but it’s a challenge I have to overcome.

Did my dad not feel good enough? Did he struggle admitting that he suffered from depression? Did he feel like he was a failure because he couldn’t fix it himself? THIS IS WHY I TALK ANOUT MY STRUGGLES. No one should feel alone, or feel like a failure. I want people to have hope. When we share our struggles, we can feel connections with each other and share relatable experiences.

Depression is ugly. It creates a fake idea for me, that if I seek help, then I am a failure. That is further from the truth. There’s people that will help! Depression is a disease of the brain. It’s like any other disease. Some people will say, ‘Just get some self care and you will feel better.’ ‘exercise everyday.’ ‘Eat healthy’. All great things to do. But what if you have no energy to get out of bed? Let alone try and go for a run? It’s a process. And it differs for every person suffering from depression. Just have compassion.

Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs

Sarah