I know life is hard. We all have our struggles. Sometimes those struggles seem never ending, bringing with it hopeless thoughts of the future. Some advice: please stay.

Coming from someone who lost a loved one from suicide, please just stay. We know and see how much you are struggling. We care so much about you. The thought of, ‘oh they would all be better off without me, not having to deal with my issues’ is so not true. We would rather have you here than not ever see you again!

Things I wish I could have told my dad. Deep Depression, along with a body wasting away, did not help my dad. Ugly thoughts crept into his mind. Thoughts that he would never even consider. We all said he would never take his life. He is a God fearing Christian who read his Bible every day.

My dad is missing so many beautiful moments.

He was the most supportive sports dad. Even though I only played soccer in elementary, he was there for every practice and every game. He cheered me on like no other. He was my biggest fan. We got slurpees and donuts after every game. Now that I have kids, I am sad to know that he is missing out on my kids’ sports and other accomplishments they’ve had, big or small. He would have loved to hear about their games and performances.

The last year of his life, he made a point to come see my oldest daughters baptism. even though he wasn’t a member of my church, he knew the importance of this day and wanted to support her.

It just hurts that he chose to leave. He left so many people that cared about him. He is missing out on so much.

I should have done everything in my power to see my dad that last month of December, before he made that awful decision to leave this world.

But I knew he was suffering. I knew he was in such a dark place. Why didn’t I just go see him? But how could I possibly foresee this happening? I would have never thought he could do this. I would come running to him if I would have had a glimpse of the future. Anyone in my place would! But we don’t have those powers. We can’t control people and their decisions.

I feel deep empathy for him and his suffering. He just wanted his pain and suffering to end! How can I be so mad at him for that? I didn’t want him to leave us but I didn’t want him to suffer either. I just wish he could have waited a few more days, when my sister was going to help him. What if he knew something about his health that none of us knew? What if he got bad test results? What if he wanted to end his suffering before it got worse? Was he trying to take the easy way out, to end his suffering, and not endure the worry and sorrow we would have if he stayed?

Can you see all of the conflicting thoughts? I am sure he had all these overwhelming thoughts too.

THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT OF THIS LIFE! We just have to endure. We have to make the best of it. We have to love our people now before it’s too late. There’s so many things I wanted to tell my dad. I just thought I had more time.

Sometimes I feel like I am just repeating the same things in this grief journey. But these things continue to come to the surface. My hope, in any of these writings I share, is to provide something that may be relatable to someone else. I didn’t have anyone to turn to that can relate to my pain that’s been down this lonely road before. We don’t have to suffer alone. Nor should we!

I do know that God has a plan. Sometimes that plan makes me angry and other times I feel super blessed. But if this life was supposed to be butterflies and rainbows, why would we be here? An easy happy life 100% of the time sounds more like Heaven to me. So I will continue to ride the waves, doing the best I can, until I get to Heaven and run into my Dad’s arms.

Just. Be. Kind.

Hugs,

Sarah