My kids are battling a tough stomach bug. Making them delusional and lethargic from dehydration. My dad was just down to bones before he passed. He couldn’t keep much down either. My kids have been suffering for a few days each, I can’t imagine someone suffering for months like this. Having no energy, exhausted all the time, and can’t sleep. I can see why he decided it was his time. But I still wish with all my heart he chose to stay.
Driving to the hospital 45 minutes away to take my 5 yr old in for fluids and meds, I had lots of time to ponder about life. I feel so helpless as a mom when my kids get sick and nothing is helping them, no matter how hard I try. Worry and panic fill most of my days while I try to get my kids better. Lots of what if questions too. So the drive was good for me, in a way I guess. It was hard too because some emotions about my dad came out. I don’t know why it is, but when life gets tough and when I am dealing with trials, I always think about my dad. Missing him, questioning his choices, and trauma re-emerging surrounding his death. During this drive today, I put on some of his music. The Rolling Stones always remind me of road trips all over Nevada and Wyoming with my parents. Driving for hours in the middle of no where. Enjoying the outdoors, the scenic mountains and deserts these states bring. Stopping at picnic rest stops to enjoy some rest, lunch, and some fresh air. I wish I could go back to those days as a kid, enjoying the peaceful drive, watching my dad tap his hands on the wheel to the beat of the song. Listening to him singing to the songs. Window down, fresh mountain air breeze drifting into our 4Runner. Seeing lots of trees, lakes, and mountain passes. It truly was peaceful.
Today I cried while driving those same roads my dad traveled. With tears in my eyes, I whispered, “I miss you daddy. So much.” For a second, it felt like he was sitting next to me tapping along to The Rolling Stones song that was playing. I laughed. Then Cried some more. Thinking how I wish he was here to go on drives with. To make new memories together.
Why did he have to go? Why didn’t he leave any sort of goodbye note? How come he left so quickly without even saying he loved us? Weren’t we enough?
Hard thoughts to overcome and process. They aren’t as strong and emotional as the first few months but they are still there.
Hug the ones you love and cherish. Forgive those that are harsh. Lift others up. Let others know you appreciate them. We only have this one life, let’s try to appreciate what we have and work hard for what we want. Right now I am working hard on not getting sick 😅