Father’s Day is to be celebrated. My children have a great father worth celebrating for. But how can I celebrate when all I can think about is my own father not being with us anymore?

Lately, I feel that I needed to take a break from my grief journey. To be stronger for it, I had to put it on hold, for a much needed break. It’s been great. I enrolled in school. I’ve been getting projects done around the house. I enjoyed the last months of school with my children and all their end of the year celebrations. Then Father’s Day has approached, and I feel like that mental grief hold is crumbling.

I will not be on social media tomorrow, Father’s Day. I just can’t. I am truly happy for my friends and family who have great father’s to celebrate. But I just can’t see all that happiness. It will be devastating for me. I want to try to go along my day as if it were any other day. But society says that we need to celebrate tomorrow. I like to celebrate and acknowledge the father’ in my life any day of the year. Why does it have to be just one day out of the year?

Maybe I am bitter. Jealous. Resentful. I won’t have my father to call and wish him a happy father’s day. I don’t have the chance to tell him that I appreciate him and all the sacrifices he made for me, my mom, and sister growing up. I can’t tell him that I enjoy our little talks that we had.

Why did you have to do this? We all were trying to help and support you. I know you were in pain. And struggling. I hated seeing you suffer with your trials. But why would you leave us? My sister and I are now fatherless. Your beloved home is being sold this coming week. Mom is now starting a new life in a new community.

This first Father’s Day will be hard. No denying that. Cherish those father’s that are in your lives. Tell them that you appreciate them and care for them.

Happy Father’s Day Dad. Thanks for taking me to karate and soccer practice as a kid. Thanks for our talks. Thanks for your goofy laugh. Thanks for playing rummikub with us at our get togethers. Thanks for teaching me how to shoot a gun. Thanks for being proud of me. I miss you dad.

~Sarah